The Anniversary Pact: Taking a Leap of Faith

“… I have discovered who I am and have begun evolving into her.”

By Amber Stalcup

June 12, 2017

I started my first "big girl job" on December 14, 2015, but that’s not the date I want to talk about. December fourteenth marked the first chapter in what would become my personal Inferno; the concentric circles of my own Hell consisted of crippling depression, soulless work, loneliness, co-workers’ drama, and Sunday night panic attacks, until I finally ascended to Purgatory and quit my job on June 9, 2017. However, without five hundred and forty-three days of absolute misery, I would not be where I am at this moment. On June 12, 2017, I began my current job as an administrator at a university in New Orleans, and I became a different person.

I have two English degrees: a Bachelor of Arts in English and a Master of Arts in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL)/Applied Linguistics. I became passionate about TESOL out of necessity, in order to complete my master’s degree. Knowing nothing of teaching, I had a breakdown and almost quit during my first semester of graduate school. Thanks to my parents, friends, and Zoloft, I finished the degree.

My first job upon returning home was at a music school owned and operated by a family of paranoid micro-managers. There were microphones in the walls and the owner would call me immediately if I misspoke to a potential client. I lasted two months there before I became so physically anxious from work that I found myself vomiting in the bathroom of a restaurant on a first date with a chef covered in tattoos of the Muppets. In credit to him, he texted me later to make sure I was still alive, but we never spoke again after that.

After a very short stint in the restaurant industry, I got a job at a payroll company – my big break. I earned a living wage, full benefits, and had consistent hours. I thought I'd really made it. In short, it was hell on earth. Between clients who screamed and corporate drones who demanded more, more, more, I contemplated running away to hole myself up in a cabin in the woods of South Louisiana. Fortunately, I discovered my current job’s listing before I had to take such drastic measures.

Thanks to my then-boyfriend, and now-husband’s, advice and a leap of faith, I moved from the corporate world back to the world of education, with which I was so familiar. On my first day, June 12, 2017, I realized just how much I had missed academia: the smell of old books in the library available for staff to check out as often as their nerdy hearts desired; a gym located near my office; an absolutely gorgeous public park across the street where I could spend my lunch breaks and muse on thoughts of art, nature, and the universe. This job, in this place, has become my home.

Since that fateful day in June, I started writing seriously again after years of writer’s block and resistance, I have cohabitated, gotten engaged to and married the love of my life, I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones, and I have volunteered my time and money to various causes, which I would not have had the funds or energy to do before.

In short, I have expanded as a human being, as a woman, and as an artist. By taking the leap that I was so privileged to be presented with, I have discovered who I am and have begun evolving into her.

Something I’ve said often since June 12, 2017 is that I have become the person I would have looked up to when I was a teenager. I have become my own hero. I am a badass, I am kind, I am open, and I am open-minded. I love and I feel. I have passion and I have hope. Many have contributed to this success, and for that I am grateful, but accepting it and flourishing is a triumph that is mine alone.