Enjoying the Journey

It’s Tuesday, October 29, 2019. I’m sitting on my friend Erin’s sofa in Los Angeles, working on an upcoming shoot for Soul Foundry + Co., and eating chocolate. And it might not sound like much, but it feels like heaven.

I’ve been in L.A. now for two weeks, and it’s been a whirlwind so far, but in the best kind of way. I completed weeks one and two of my film audition course, gone on several runs and walks around the neighborhood, read a book by Mamet, spent afternoons at coffee shops reading and writing and people-watching, saw a show at UCB, practiced yoga, met so many new people, hosted a table read for a screenplay I co-wrote, and had many, many moments of thinking, “Wow, I am here.”

Because, wow. I am here.

I’ve been to Los Angeles four times in my life. The first time was right out of college when I toured an acting conservatory I got into, the second time was when I was visiting Erin when I lived in D.C., the third time was when I moved to Southern CA with my ex, and the fourth time is now. With each one of these visits, I always thought about how amazing it’d be to live and work here, to pursue acting, to live the “dream”. And I was always so close to beginning to live that life, but I never quite got there. I was never quite ready.

But I feel ready now.

I often share that something happened to me when I turned twenty-seven, and then twenty-eight, where I just woke up and was tired of my own excuses. I avoided pursuing living a life I wanted to live for fear of other people’s perceptions of me, but also because I was downright afraid to do it.

I was afraid to move to L.A. when I was twenty-two, I was afraid to go after what I wanted when I lived here a year ago, but I’m not scared of it anymore. I’m not afraid of putting myself out there, and I’m not afraid of failing, because I’ve lived enough these past several years to know that the alternative to not pursuing what weighs on your heart is worse than failing at something you love.

So, here we are.

We’re showing up and we’re unafraid. Okay, maybe we’re still a little bit afraid, and by a little bit, I mean a lot, but I’m no longer afraid of the life I’m living, I’m just afraid (i.e. nervous) in general. But you all know that already. #AnxietyProblems

I digress.

A friend reminded me of something beautiful about living life as a creative the other day. She said that it’s important to show up and do the work, but we also must enjoy the journey. And that is a reminder I absolutely needed, because it’s one that I can sometimes forget.

Sometimes we can be so focused on the end goal that we forget to relish in the now. We’re so eager to get to the top of the mountain, that we disregard how nice it is to climb. How good that labor is for us. How it helps us to build our strength and endurance.

My approach to living creatively and chasing goals and dreams have shifted, and instead of being preoccupied with thoughts of being on set, or selling screenplays, or attending awards shows, I’m at peace with where I am now — I’m enjoying my journey. And I’m thankful for this perspective, which allows me to exist in the moment and feel gratitude, because time is fleeting, and this leg of my journey will soon come to an end.

I had a thought the other day that my six or so weeks in Los Angeles have the potential to be some of the best weeks of my life, and it’s remarkable to me that just two weeks in, I have the capacity to think that way. Sometimes, these realizations come later when the moment has passed, or years down the line, but I’m grateful to know that about this moment while I’m still living in it.

Because it helps me remember that I am here — here in Los Angeles, here in this life, here in this moment.

And regardless of where I came from or where I’m going, what matters is that I pursue what’s in my heart. And that goes with everything. Career, friendships, love. If it’s in your heart, it’s worth exploring.

In the days leading up to my departure from New Orleans, I wasn’t sure if I was ready.

I expressed how anxious I was about being away from home for so long, being away from my routine, and being thrust into a completely new lifestyle only to have to change again in several weeks time. My friends and family assured me that the weeks would fly by, and I’d be back in New Orleans before I knew it. I found comfort in that. I found comfort in that even on my first and second day in L.A. 

“It’ll be over soon, and I’ll be back home where I’m safe,” I thought.

Where I’m safe. Where I’m in my comfort zone. But you and I both know that our comfort zones are the least safe space for us to be.

It took me a couple of days to feel stable in L.A. Night one, I ate a delicious vegan burrito that made me feel incredibly stable, but I didn’t quite feel cozy until my fifth day here. And that’s to be expected. It takes time to get adjusted. It takes time to feel secure. But eventually I did settle in. Eventually, and quicker than I imagined, I began to feel quite at home here.

Now that I’m two weeks in, a part of me feels sad that the days and weeks are going by so quickly. Part of me is sad that my friends were right. And although I have several more weeks ahead of me living out west, I know that they will soon be memories, and I’ll soon be back on an airplane heading back home.

To begin another leg of the journey…

To reconnect with the people and places that made me who I am…

To unpack my suitcase, to get settled in…

But I know that I’ll be back in L.A. for a fifth time. And it won’t be long from now. The fifth time will be a longer visit than the fourth time. Maybe I’ll have two suitcases. Maybe I’ll have three.

Whatever it may be, and whenever it may be, I welcome it. I’m ready this time.

And though I am anxious, I am unafraid.

So, I welcome the journey. I welcome the ups and downs and everything in-between.

Because, whether we recognize it in the moment or we don’t see it until it’s behind us, it’s all happening.

It’s all happening.

And all we have to do is let it.