Life Updates: Reclaiming Los Angeles, Quitting Dating Apps, and Self-Partnership

I’ve been in Los Angeles for one month now, which is insane. It’s been four weeks since I flew out of New Orleans with a single suitcase and a mind full of racing thoughts, and it truly feels like it was just yesterday. But it wasn’t.

As soon as I landed at LAX, I was hit with memories of my former life here and of my ex-boyfriend. We flew in and out of LAX several times during our brief stint of living in Southern California, and I saw him everywhere and felt his presence everywhere. Immediately, I had to make a choice. I would either allow myself to become paralyzed by memories of the past, or I would acknowledge the memories and shift my experience to reflect an outcome that’s more productive.

So, I chose the latter.

I chose to reclaim California.

I eased into it and took reclaiming spaces one step at a time. First, I shopped at Gelson’s, which is where the two of us would pick up snacks for the drive home after seeing shows at UCB. As soon as I walked in, I was transported back in time to the final night we popped in for salt and vinegar chips and Sour Skittles. It was after seeing a show and having Thai for dinner. Now when I go into that grocery store, I remember the nights shopping for apple cider and whiskey with a group of girlfriends, or the several times since being here I’ve stopped in solely for a bag of pico de gallo bean chips. Heaven, by the way.

Next space I reclaimed was UCB. Although I always felt ownership over this space, my ex accompanied me to the theatre several times for shows, and it was time to wash my mind from those memories. So, I hopped back into improv classes and started seeing shows there with friends and classmates. Now when I think of UCB, I think of all of the people this theatre has introduced me to and countless shows I’ve watched and learned from. I think of a community I’m a small part of, and how much more I have to explore. And I think of how this opportunity is mine if I want it. And I get to decide.

A few weeks ago, I took a road trip with some girlfriends where I reclaimed Apple Country, which was one of the greatest days of drinking spiked cider, eating donuts, and outside time. My ex and I visited there last year, and these new memories were essential. I reclaimed the beach and the whole entire Pacific Ocean during a Show Your Empress shoot, surrounded by badass people that my soul has grown to love, and I even reclaimed the damn freeway, where I remember feeling riddled with anxiety every time I drove it. This time around, it was just another road to travel. No anxiety. No hesitation. Just a road taking me from one place to another.

Slowly, but surely, I’m changing my memories in Los Angeles, and it feels really freaking good. Slowly, but surely, L.A. is becoming less and less scary, and more and more comfortable. It’s just a place, after all. It’s simply just a place.

But it’s becoming a fun place, a place where I want to be and where I need to be, but just a place nonetheless.

The past four weeks of my life have been some of the most exciting weeks of my creative career. I haven’t had an opportunity to be one-hundred percent immersed in my creativity since college, and, even then, I had other responsibilities to prioritize, but right now, I’m able to focus solely on myself and my journey and education, and that’s been an incredible experience. I’m fortunate to have these opportunities, and I don’t take this privilege lightly. This two-month stint is one that I realize is fleeting, however, which fills me with a bit of nervousness. A thought that lingers over me is what will happen when I return home in a month’s time? Will I still feel this happy? Will I still feel fulfilled? Will I miss California so much that it hurts, or will I be relieved to be home? Will I feel both?

But I can’t stress about that now.

Because, for now, I'm still here.

And for the next several weeks, my priority is my professional, emotional, and spiritual growth. And it’s all-consuming, and it takes a lot of time and energy, but, for the first time in my life, I’m pouring that energy into myself as easily as I have poured my energy into others. And had I known it would feel this good to give back to me, I may have tried it sooner instead of misdirecting my energies for far too long.

This realization of misdirected energies is the reason behind why I deleted every single one of my dating apps and threw my hands in the air when it came to dating.

Because I simply do not have the time, the energy, or the care to swipe on a random human, ask a series of questions, and go out of my way to meet a total stranger to see if there’s romance in the air. I just do not have the time, energy, or care.

After making the call to remove my dating profiles, I read a quote by Emma Watson that stated she was self-partnered, and I loved that so much, I decide to adopt it myself. So, I’m self-partnered for now. And I’m absolutely loving it.

Online dating isn’t my cup of tea, and dating in general is tricky for me. It will change someday, when I meet someone who piques my interest and holds my interest, but, for now, I don’t fancy getting to know someone through a few texts, and I certainly don’t fancy choosing who I decide to speak to based on five images and a few answered prompts. It works for some. But it doesn’t work for me.

My priority at this point in my life isn’t a romantic relationship with a potential partner, and I’ve finally accepted that truth about myself, which has been life-changing. Because I am no longer preoccupied with dating, my mind and heart and energies have been redirected to things like taking classes, focusing on my career, and cultivating relationships in my life that are not romantic, but every bit as important and loving.

So, for now, I am self-partnered.

I hope to be in love again one day, and I know that day will arrive, as will that person, when the timing is right, because that’s how life works out. And until that day arrives, I am mighty fine with being in love with my friends, my ambitions, my education, my journey, my experiences, the cute barista at that one coffee shop, Milo Ventimiglia, my damn self, and my continued growth (which, for the record, has been astronomical this year — I am tooting my own horn).

My friend told me that I am leveling up, and I believe her when she says it. I feel it. I feel myself rising to a higher plane, one that I haven’t yet settled on before, because I was never quite ready to see the world from such heights. But I’m ready now. My entire life so far has led me to this moment of clarity, curiosity, and peace.

And, wow, what a view.

I’m eager for my remaining time in Los Angeles. I’m excited to continue to learn, I’m excited for the people I’ve yet to meet, I’m excited for the hikes I will take and the views I will see when I’m way up high.

I’m excited for it all.

And who knew these revelations, this growth, and this healing would be sparked by an email. On a third date, no less. At a time when I desperately needed the reminder of who I am, what I want, and where I should be. Who knew. One thing I do know, however, is that I am absolutely, positively, completely, irrevocably, and unbelievably proud of myself for saying yes to that email and for saying yes to me.

Finally.

I said yes to me.

And I will always, always say yes to me.

Every single time. Over and over again.

Because the view from up here?

It’s absolutely, positively, and unbelievably perfect.

And it’s all for me.